I’ve been thinking about change lately. I’ve often thought to myself on my most pessimistic of days that change is impossible, that we are who we are because that is who deeply want to be. I don’t know if I necessarily agree with that line of thinking anymore. I’m getting to the age where I am suddenly very reflective of my life up to this point. I know that over the years I have changed a great deal. Sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse.
So the logical side of me knows that change does in fact exist. The optimistic person in me want deeply to believe that change is possible. Perhaps all I have to do is try a little harder and then I will eat better, go to bed earlier, save money, be more productive…etc etc. The realistic person in me has come to terms with the fact that change happens when it needs to and not when you want it to.
I don’t know where this leaves us. I mean are we doomed to be lumps of clay that fate twists and molds as it sees fit? Or are we changing and forming into the people we are meant to be? Do we have a say in any of it? Why it is when I attempt to change I always fail, but when I’m not even paying attention the next thing I know boom I’ve changed?
I think I may have found the answer. It’s not that change is impossible. It’s not that I have no willpower. It’s not that fate has us by the metaphoric balls and it’s not that who we are meant to be is etched in stone. I think the reason change only happens when it needs to and not when we want it too is because change is hard! Change is fucking hard. We have to face the facts that we do most of what we do because its easy to it. The path of least resistance and all that jazz. Doesn’t that piss you off? Pisses me off. It pisses me off that my mission to change on my terms is foiled because of this intrinsic need to look for the easy way out.
My biggest fear used to be being poor. Being out on the street without a penny to my name. That is not my biggest fear anymore. Even though that would be terrible. My biggest fear is losing my drive, my determination, and my spirit to accomplish my aspirations. That I end up staying in place just because I have fooled my self into believing that it’s the stable course. The reliable course. I hear people walking down the hall who talk about being here since the 70’s. We call them lifers. Like prisoners with a life sentence. So if I have deduced that change, while extremely difficult, is in fact possible, then it’s time for me to amp up my game because I can’t spend my next 30-40 years sitting at this desk, watching the world pass me by like all these other drones.