The Sun is gone, but I have a light

I have no idea why I am writing this blog post or if it will end with a message or even a point. I am not some weirdo who has been counting the minutes since Kurt Cobain blew his brains out. Earlier this week the hub and I were driving in the car from the grocery store listening to the radio and a Nirvana song came on and the hub brought up the fact that this week marks the anniversary of Kurt’s death. 17 years. It seems like only yesterday.

It seems like only yesterday that I was an angsty teenager about to enter into high school. I was 13 when Kurt died. I’m reminded of my favorite line/ scene in The Virgin Suicides between Cecilia and the doctor, played by Danny Devito. Cecilia tried to kill herself and winds up in the hospital…

Doctor: What are you doing here, honey? You aren’t old enough to know how bad life gets.

Cecilia: Obviously doctor you’ve never been a 13 year old girl.

To anyone who’s ever been a 13 year old girl, you know what this means.

It almost doesn’t seem possible that I was that young once. I’ll fully admit that it wasn’t till just before Kurt’s death that I even knew who Nirvana was. Ironically at the time it was my MOTHER who introduced me to their music. My mother has always been very eclectic with her music choices (like mother like daughter). But none the less at the time his music and later his death had a big impact on me. I was a 13 year old girl,  who grew up in the suburbs and had parents who loved me. I knew nothing of this punk rock  “grunge” life style. My world was safe. My world was clean. Our worlds were a million miles apart and yet some how I could relate. As a teenager, who didn’t feel “stupid  and contagious ” Who didn’t feel like there was “Something in the Way” He felt like my Pisces soul mate. I could empathize with his pain and I made it my own. Which, as a relatively sheltered 13 year old angsty girl, made me feel alive.

I was an extremely empathethic teenager. When I used to get sad my mom would ask me what was wrong and I used to reply with ” Everything.” I wasn’t exaggerating or being deliberately vague. I meant it because when I got sad I felt sad for everyone who had ever been sad. I don’t think I ever let that totally go either. My husband says he’s never heard a woman cry quite like me. I don’t know how I feel about that.

The Nirvana was a big influence on me as a teenager…Everything to the kind of music I listened to, the clothes I wore, the people I hung out with, and the dreams I had…Hell the entire Nirvana discography could serve as soundtrack for the beginning of the hub’s and my relationship. Come to think of it our first real date we went to see the documentary Kurt & Courtney …so to have to be reminded of Kurt’s death gave me pause, but it made me look up all these wonderful pictures and it kind of inspired me all over again….oh well…whatever…Nevermind.


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