Anticipation Fascination

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“First love is only a little foolishness and a lot of curiosity”- George Bernard Shaw

You know what turns me on… anticipation. The wait. The excitement that leads up to what you most desire. I’m not just talking about sex, though it applies there too. There are many things for which this pertains. Vacations, life accomplishments, tv shows, and even love.

Have you ever planned for a vacation? Picked out outfits you’ll bring? Places you’ll go for dinner? Sight seeing?You fantasize about it at work. You build up in your mind  about how fantastic it will be and then the blessed day finally comes and after two days you’re back to thinking about going home.

Or maybe the summer ends and you start thinking about school. This year you’re gonna do ALL your reading. This year you wont drift into your fantasy file while your professor gives that lecture. You get your new clothes, your notebooks, pens, books, etc. And then after the first couple weeks you end up wondering…”how much longer till Christmas break?

Or maybe a tv show. Lets say an awesome and seductive and smart tv show about Vampires. Such as True Blood, let’s say. A story of “forbidden love.” And you watch as the two characters struggle with the conflict between their minds and their hearts. The conflict between their worlds. You go on the rollercoaster with them. And then they’re finally together and you…well it’s not that you’re not happy. I mean your happy for them, but the anticipation is gone. And secretly you’re hoping for the next conflict that will pull them apart only to bring them together again.

I’ve always been sort of a junkie for anticipation. I feed on that “something to look forward to.” I’m pretty sure that if I didn’t have Jimi, I’d be one of those girls who never commits. You know the ones that  just goes from one person to another. In it only for the roller coaster world wind of new love and then I’d bail. On to the next person, completely different from the last. This is of course ironic seeing as I’ve been with him for 12 years. Yeah, I’m pretty sure the cosmos sent me Jimi in order to save me from myself in this regard.

Having Jimi by  my side has taught me that there is more than just the adrenaline rush of new love. There is a deeper more comforting feeling that true love can bring. Despite what some might think, this deeper more comforting love is not boring. It’s not any less passionate or romantic. It’s not just felt in your heart. It’s not just felt in your loins, or your gut or your mind. True love is felt through every muscle, every organ, every heart beat. With true love you move past the quickness, the scariness, the freshness that new love brings and you get to the meat of it.

Sometimes I wish I could do this in other aspects of my life. Not be in such a hurry to move on to the next thing. Enjoy the moments. Be present in the here and now. Let every moment sink into my muscles and my bones. But as it is…When today is here…I’m thinking about tomorrow. My head may not be where it’s supposed to be, for now at least, but at least my heart is where it should be.

“A man reserves his true and deepest love not for the species of woman in whose company he finds himself electrified and enkindled, but for that one in whose company he may feel tenderly drowsy.” George Jean Nathan

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